Hello, lovelies! Well, it’s been a nice long holiday weekend, and you know what that means… Lifetime crushing it with the original movie premiers, obvs. I got together with the fam on Sunday night to watch the premier of LMN’s most recent psychological thriller, The Wrong Crush, and boy was it not even remotely psychological or a thriller! And that’s exactly why we loved it. Read on for the full recap of this idiocy in all its glory…
We begin with a teenage girl who looks like a poor man’s version of an early Miley Cyrus/ Fiona Apple hybrid being rushed down the halls of an emergency room. The doctors are telling her that she was just in a car accident. They don’t seem as shocked as we are to see that our heroine has suffered not a single cut, scrape, bruise, or broken bone, and there is nary a tattered piece of clothing or bloodstain in sight.
We learn that her name is Amelia, and she says she was at the club, dancing. She asks the doctors if “Joy” is ok, and they look at each other in a way that we all know means that Joy’s ass didn’t make it. =(
Two years later…
She’s running through an orchard and some totally inconspicuous dude wearing all black in the middle of the day is standing there watching her. Could he be… THE WRONG CRUSH??
Cut to us in a support group sesh with Amelia where we learn that she’s a track star and there’s some drama between her and mom. The group leader tells her she needs to work it out in order to be able to fully heal. Amelia says it’s going to take time, and this is all very vague in the most boring way imaginable.
The next morning Amelia wakes up in the bedroom of her mansion house in a full face of makeup and perfect hair. She looks out the window and we see a familiar shadowy figure running through the yard. Amelia briefly hints at having an odd feeling about this, but then promptly forgets, yawns, and walks downstairs to the kitchen where she finds a note from Mom saying that she’s working a double tonight.
Amelia hears something outside, walks out into the back yard, and doesn’t see stalker man hiding behind a tree. COME ON AMELIA, THAT’S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. LOOK BEHIND THE TREES FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. Anyway, it’s enough to freak her out, so she goes and pays her mom a visit at work… at the nursing home… her mom works at a nursing home… because that’s the kind of job that you can have in Lifetime movie land that will afford you this house in California…
We’re finally seeing her mom for the first time here and we all gasp in terror because she looks like the creepy button mom from Coraline when she starts turning into that Skeletor bug creature.
And turns out, our assessment of mom isn’t that far off, because when Amelia tries to talk to her about the dude she thought she saw in the yard earlier, mom snaps on Amelia and tells her she’s sick of her shit and to call the police like a grown up. Savage.
Amelia is at school telling her friend Lauren about the back yard stalker. Lauren, hot on the case, poses a theory that maybe it’s Amelia’s “creepy neighbor, you know, the one who always mows his lawn at night”. I’m not sure I understand how mowing your lawn at night when it is cooler automatically makes you a deranged stalker, but thanks for the lead, Lauren, we’ll look into that one.
They keep talking some more and somehow Amelia knocks Lauren’s phone out of her hands and it just so happens to land at the feet of the hot new guy that Lauren refers to as “Jake St. Dreamy”. Aww Lauren, it’ll be ok. As soon as Jake leaves we learn that Amelia already has a boyfriend, Scott, who’s in an emo band.
Jake just happens to be in the library next period and starts pulling some psych 101 shit on Amelia, telling her that she doesn’t really want to be with her boyfriend and yada yada yada, shut up Jake.
A bug man pulls up in the driveway of Amelia’s house and we’re sitting here like how the fuck does a single mom who works in a nursing home have a multi-million dollar mansion? He starts putting cameras around the mansion behind the bronze sculptures and one literally just sitting on a trophy on Amelia’s dresser. He’s suuuper shitty at hiding cameras, but at least my bro has determined from past experience that hidden camera batteries last forever in Lifetime movies, so that’s one less thing he has to worry about.
… I got a phone call, so I missed a few minutes here, but I guess these two jokers are Joy’s parents and they’ve been coming to Amelia’s track practice and stalking her and for some reason they want her in jail even though their daughter is the one that was driving the car that night…
Ok, now we’re flashing back to the car wreck. Joy had the brilliant idea of playing a super fun sounding game where you turn your headlights off and see how long you can go before you turn them back on or drive off into a ravine. Sounds legit.
Now we’re in present day with Amelia and emo Scott. I’m pretty sure I had that exact same sweater he’s wearing in middle school. He’s trying to get her to spill about her past. She tells him she had a drinking problem, she partied all the time, they have a restraining order against Joy’s parents, her best friend died, she almost died, and that sometimes she likes to go back to that spot where they went off the ravine and think. Scott’s response to this, you ask? “Well, I’m sorry that happened to you, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me.” Good job, Scott. And of course stalker man is hiding behind a tree not far off.
We’re back at the house. There’s a crystal chandelier the size of a VW bug in their foyer but we all get it because mom pulls doubles at the nursing home on the reg.
Oh lord, here we go. Jake just joined the support group. He’s telling the group that his twin brother died in a car wreck. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT JAKE WE KNOW YOUR CREEPY ASS NEVER HAD A BROTHER. OH GUESS WHAT HE’S ALSO AN ALCOHOLIC. SHOCKING. Ugh. Amelia fell for it and now they’re bonding over their shared tragedies.
Jake threw some pills into Scott’s locker and now he’s being hauled away from the bleachers of Amelia’s track practice by some FBI agents.
Oh shit Jake is in cahoots with Joy’s parents! He’s actually 20 years old! It’s like a shitty Never Been Kissed! The parents hired him to get evidence of Amelia doing illegal deeds so they can send her to jail because they hate her for being in the same car that their daughter died in, but guess what, Jake actually has a for real crush on Amelia now and he just stabbed the shit out of dad.
Now Jake is back at his place practicing his knife skills shirtless in front of the Amelia shrine. Cue the Poignant knife to the mouth shot…
Meanwhile P.I. Lauren is telling Amelia that she’s skeptical of Scott because he’s in a band and that obviously means he’s a pill head. And of course during that convo, we have Jake, once again hiding behind a tree listening. We all wonder what Jake will do if he’s ever in a space with no trees. My brother thinks he will just dress like a tree in that case, and I’m inclined to agree.
Now Jake is at Amelia’s practice, he tells her that she would smoke him because she’s so fast and he’s so not. You’re so transparent, Jake. Anyway, we think we will probably find out whether or not that’s true when he’s chasing her later with that knife. They decide they’re going to go jogging together tomorrow. Great idea.
Seriously mom is SO SCARY. She believes the hype about the drug dealer boyfriend. Blah blah blah fighting with mom. Boring.
OH SHOCKING, AMELIA SPRAINED HER ANKLE ON THEIR JOG. Doctor Jake doesn’t think she broke it. Thanks Doctor Jake. Amelia opens up that she just had a falling out with mom, because minor injuries really bring that out in her. Jake tries to kiss her, and she rejects him. Now he’s really losing it. He’s kinda doing that crazy laugh cry thing and saying that this is not how this was supposed to go. She says he’s sounding crazy and she hobbles away.
It’s the next day and Jake is at Scott’s house and he just tazed the shit out of him when he went to shake his hand. Jake has now kidnapped Scott and has him hog tied in the car. He’s calls Amelia and says he wants her to meet him at the ravine. No funny stuff because he has installed a camera and a tracking device in her car. He can see her every move and if she strays from the path, and don’t even think about calling for backup. Oh and also if she goes below 50 mph the car will explode. JK but for real where is Keanu when you need him? #wildcat
Joy’s mom just paid Amelia’s shitty mom a visit at the nursing home and told her that Jake is a psycho. Shitty mom prob doesn’t even care.
She busts out the old “PowerMom Phone Tracker” app. Jesus, why is literally everyone in this movie stalking Amelia?
Ps mom drives an Audi and Amelia drives a Mercedes. Seriously, I went into the wrong line of work. Who knew elderly care was so lucrative?
They all make it to the ravine, shitty mom is coming around the side, Scott’s still tied up in the car, and Amelia and Jake are on the edge of the cliff. He’s telling her he loves her and he wants to try his knife out on her. Mom picks up a boulder and hits Jake in the head with it. His body double goes flying off the side of the ravine. We think for sure that this can’t be the anticlimactic ending to this film, but it is. Jake is dead, mom and daughter are cool and jogging together now, Amelia and Scott are doing great, and they are all at the ravine, healing together as a terrible song plays.
That’s it for us this week, kittens! Holler at us on here or on our FB page and let us know what you got up to this holiday weekend. TTYL and we’ll C U Next Tuesday!