As I sit here under my Christmas tree on my third glass of $8 Kroger wine, wrapping the last of my Christmas gifts and cringing and dying a little on the inside every time I stick a piece of tape full of dog hair onto a package, it’s hard to muster up even the most microscopic amount of Christmas spirit. Usually this time of year we’re all holiday baking and Mariah on repeat, but this year has felt less like a rollercoaster and more like a shitty turn at Donkey Kong Country’s Mine Cart Carnage (spoiler alert: we’re old) – you know, like when someone tells you there’s a cheat if you fall through one of the breaks in the tracks but they don’t tell you which one, and then you try it and instead of it shooting you up and sending you to a room full of bananas and extra lives, you just die instead? That’s about where we’re at right now. Just fallin’ through all those cracks wondering where the bananas are (and no, that is not even remotely a reference to dicks. Boy, BYE).
As 2016 comes to an inglorious end, however, it’s important to try to stay positive and think about the small things that are still able to warm that tepid owl pellet you now call your heart. One of the things we’ve found that has a profound ability to do this is, you guessed it, ALCOHOL. So, when Taylor came across a sweet little Christmas-themed pop-up-bar called Miracle on Monroe, we decided that it was just the thing we needed to shake our pussy-grabbing president-elect blues.
And boy did it not disappoint. There’s fake frosted glass, tinsel for days, yule log projectors, presents on the ceiling, ugly Christmas sweaters a-plenty, a million colored lights, and finally, FINALLY, some damn Christmas cheer.
Each cocktail was more festive than the last. We tried the Snowball Old Fashioned (served with an actual snowball in it), the Brazen Blitzen, the Jingle Ball Nog, and the Mulled Wine Sour. All were delicious. Sadly, I did not get to try the Bad Santa, because someone had to drive our asses home after this, but I applaud Miracle on Monroe for naming one of their concoctions after one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time, and I can only hope that it’s served alongside sandwiches with the usual amount of lettuce.
What are you wearing?
TFO: Tights by Monki, shorts by ASOS, same Dorothy Perkins boots as last week’s post (they’re good boots, OK), sweater from Forever 21, coat by ASOS. And a fuckton of makeup–I’m still trying to learn how to do a face that shows up in pictures and doesn’t look insane in person. I’m not there yet; I feel like it looks great in these pics, which is progress, but I looked slightly deranged in real life.
LC: A vintage coat purchased at Buffalo Exchange in Chicago a couple of years back, one of my all-time favorite plaid shirts by Six Crisp Days purchased at Una Mae’s also in Chicago, a “You Go Glen Coco” shirt in honor of the holiday season, black high-waisted pants from ASOS, and these mod af little chelsea-looking booties that I honestly have no clue where they came from.
How would you describe this outfit?
TFO: I’m the teen witch who crashes your tasteful Christmas open house, spikes the punch, and hexes all the boring men hitting on women who are way too good for them. Alternately: I’m on my way to steal your girl.
LC: “Trying my best to be festive.”
What’s the oldest piece? The newest?
TFO: Oldest is the tights, I’m pretty sure. I bought them several years ago but hardly ever wear them because I put on a dress or skirt like once a year, and that’s usually in warm weather, so they’ve held up pretty well. I’m sure if they’d gotten any regular use my unnaturally destructive toenails would’ve ripped a hole in the feet, or my thighs would’ve torn a hole in the crotch with their power by now. The newest is the shorts, but they’re just replacing a previous pair that had gotten too big. They’re called mom shorts, by the way, and I highly recommend them because they’re short but also baggy, which is the best combination.
LC: Newest, oddly enough, is the coat (which is actually probably the oldest), and oldest are the shoes because again I don’t even recall purchasing them.
What’s your favorite thing about this outfit?
TFO: Definitely the tights, especially under the shorts. Like I said, I don’t get to wear these often, so they feel appropriately festive. Plus, I’m all about extending the longevity of summer clothes so you can wear them year-round. Because I’m cheap. I was also having a pretty great hair day, if I do say so myself.
LC: That it is taking me somewhere that serves holiday beverages and giant plates of cured meats and various other things wrapped in pork products.
So, dear friends, as we wrap up, we say to you with all the holiday spirit we can find in our hearts: we know this year was garbage, but in the next couple of weeks hold your friends and families close, do your best, be kind, get some rest, and drink up. You’re going to need all your strength and energy for DKC2’s Hornet Hole (aka 2017).
We’re taking a break next week and will resume on January 3rd with lots of exciting stuff in the works. Thanks so much to you for reading, happy holidays, and we’ll C U Next Year! ❤