It’s 11:36pm on Thursday, the second to last day of September, 2016 and I just spent the last fifteen minutes Google image searching every flavor of LARABAR because there’s a 10% off coupon for them in my Cartwheel app this week and I’ve never seen one before, so I want to know exactly what I’m getting myself into before I purchase them for the first time at a discount. This is who I am. Dorky as hell and over-prepared to a fault. I don’t like surprises. I look at every menu of every restaurant I ever go to before I ever step foot inside it, and I’ll usually try to find a picture of the thing I’ve decided I want to order on their website ahead of time, too. Taylor and I just last week watched an episode of a wonderful British game show called “Would I Lie To You” in which one team has to guess whether or not a statement being read off of a card by a member from the other team is the truth or a lie. One of those statements, from a very dry-witted Scottish (I think?) comedian, read as follows: “Sometimes when I’m going on a journey, I will make the journey the day before, so when I am on the actual journey I know what to expect.” As someone who will “walk” an entire route on Google street view just so I know exactly what the corner where I’m supposed to turn looks like when I’m walking it in real life later, I knew immediately that she was telling the truth, and if she wasn’t then she had somehow hacked into my brain. Probably with the help of the Russians, or China, or a 400lb man laying in his bed.
At any rate, armed with this information, it should come as no surprise to you that I am also a huge fan of dorky and overly thought-out Halloween costumes. Last year, I was everyone’s favorite paleobotanist, Dr. Ellie Sattler, from Jurassic Park. I had the coral men’s button-down knotted at the waist over a blue tank top, the khaki shorts, and a pair of brown hiking boots that I bought on Amazon for $13 and still wear to this day when I mow my yard. (Maybe when I mow it this month I will put on the rest of the costume as a Halloween treat to my neighbors.) I should also mention that this was a couple’s costume. No, I didn’t have a handsome, aviators-wearing, raptor-loving Dr. Grant by my side, because why would I want that when I could just dress my dog as a Stegosaurus instead? Which I did. Now, I know what you’re all thinking – “Lindsey, it was a TRICERATOPS that Dr. Sattler was famously elbow deep in poo with, NOT a Stegosaurus.” Well, I know that. But they didn’t have a Triceratops dog costume that would fit Pepe, OK?
I think the costume that I’m most proud of was when I was living in NYC and I dressed as Parker Posey’s character, Meg Swan, from Best In Show. I had meticulously planned that costume down to the Venti Starbucks cup with “Meg” scribbled in Sharpie on the side of it. I also had a Busy Bee, a J.Crew catalogue, fake braces, a poncho and a real bad attitude. I love props. They are my favorite part of any costume, and y’all, I went balls out on this one. Literally, not a single person knew who the fuck I was. It was shocking, if you really want to get down to it. I unfortunately do not have any photos of that costume, probably because I was so disappointed with the entire population of New York City for not recognizing me that we ended up only venturing to one bar that night before calling it quits. Instead, here is a photo of another costume I labored intensely over with the help of some black basics and a big ass bottle of fabric paint from Michaels.
If you’re wondering where I get this from, I’d like to present to you Exhibit A: My mom, to whom we lovingly refer as “Leg”… because her name is Peggy, and for some reason that makes sense to us. Last year Leg, being the amazing creature that she is, dressed as Alan, Zach Galifianakis’ character (or as Leg says – “Zack Galifinakalakis”) from The Hangover. She had been perusing the aisles of one of those pop-up Halloween costume shops one afternoon and came across a beard and wig set that I believe was just called “Hangover” or something equally generic but obviously referring to Alan and couldn’t explicitly say so due to copyright violations or something. She texted me a picture of it and said “Maybe I should go as Zach Galifinakalakis from The Hangover,” to which I immediately responded “YES. DO IT.” And you better believe she did it. She bought a pair of aviators at the costume shop, ordered his “Human Tree” t-shirt online, bought three different pairs of white pants from Goodwill to make sure she had the right fit, and then completed the look with a man purse (which she already owned) and a white plastic shopping bag. I was in awe of her acute attention to detail and commitment to her craft.
Can you even tell the difference?
Taylor, bless her heart, takes the complete opposite approach to Halloween costuming. She’s more of an “Oh shit, today is Halloween, I guess I better go to CVS and get some fake blood and go as some kind of dead something or other” kind of girl. I am fairly certain that she cut her costume out of a piece of cardboard just minutes before her party guests were to arrive at her house last year. Which is totally ok, just obviously not something that my brain is able to compute. She looked fabulous nonetheless.
In college most of our Halloweens are a drunken blur to me now, but I do remember that one year she reused her senior year prom dress (which you can see full pictures of if you refer back to our very first post), and went as a dead prom queen. Always a classic, and major props to her for finding a third excuse to slip back into that Jessica McClintock. Here’s a pic of that year’s Halloween. Apologies for it not being a great picture – photos of Taylor in costume are apparently quite elusive. Also please excuse the cig. We smoked a lot back then and it is gross. Smoking is bad. Don’t smoke.
So, that brings us to this year. What to wear? We are both still undecided, as we’re sure a lot of you are, so we thought it might be a good idea to offer you guys some alternate costume ideas in case you wanted to branch out from “sexy insert random animal, profession, character, etc. here” Not that there is anything wrong whatsoever with being a sexy podiatrist, but you know, in case you wanted to branch out or something.
Now, we are going out on a limb here and assuming that you have seen Stranger Things. If not, ummm stop right here and go watch it right now. It’s streaming on Netflix. We’ll wait.
OK, now that you’re all caught up, craving waffles, wanting to re-watch every 80’s sci-fi movie from your childhood, and foaming at the mouth for season 2 like the rest of us, it might seem fairly evident that there are going to be A LOT of Stranger Things costumes on the streets this year. So, we decided to bestow upon you some creative and real stupid alternatives.
Here we go. Hold onto your butts. (Get it? Because of Jurassic Park? You know, from before? Nevermind.)
- Seven Elevens: Alright, this will require having six other friends who are willing to be members of the group costume with you, so right there Tay and I would never be able to pull this one off. But, if you’re lucky enough to have that many friends, then this might be for you! You guys can dress as any of the different Elevens from ST – Hospital Gown Eleven, Sweatsuit Eleven, Pink Dress/Members Only Jacket/Blonde Wig Eleven, Sensory Deprivation Swimsuit Eleven, etc.! (don’t forget the fake nose blood and 011 tattoo!) – and then just add a big-ass Slurpee cup, maybe some Corn Nuts (ranch, obviously because those are the best), candy, beef jerky and some sweet, sweet nectar from the heavens taquitos to finish off the lewk. It’s like a costume with your drunk munchies already built in. Win. Win.
- Demogorgonzola – This one is so stupid I can hardly even type this. Do your best to put together a demogorgon costume. It might be tricky, but maybe a brown full body spandex suit, monster hands, some vaseline, and then top it off with a Wisconsin cheese head painted blue and white to look like gorgonzola.
- Pineapple “Upside Down” Cake – Construct a cake slice out of cardboard, purchase or make a pineapple headpiece, and then paint everything a dreary shade of blue/gray, maybe have some goo dripping off of you and some fake snow that you throw in the air every time someone asks you what in the hell you’re supposed to be. Because they’re going to.
We hope that this has helped inspire some good old Halloween creativity in your soul, and please, if any of you readers out there have any other creative costume ideas, we’d love to hear them! Happy Halloween y’all, we hope it is safe and razorcandy-free!
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C U Next Tuesday!
http://www.cheese.com/gorgonzola/ (Did you guys know that there was a cheese.com? This might be the greatest day of my life)